If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
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Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.