I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
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Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets