I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
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if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Every work call, he judges.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
*weighs self after shaving