when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
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We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
the saddest jazz hands ever
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.