[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
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they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
We avoided this particular disaster
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR