Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
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writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
started wrapping my pills in cheese
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn