Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
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The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH