Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
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MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?