*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
You Might Also Like
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers