maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
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WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
These 3D printers are insane!
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”