Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
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I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
dam girl
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
😎 🍻
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it