I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
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Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Safety first
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.