For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
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God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
wtf is an acronym
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.