[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
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me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
and this one
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.