[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
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If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
buying dead houseplants to save time
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.