guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
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Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
#oldknees
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.