11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
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[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE