WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
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I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.