Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
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“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.