my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
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Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Actually cracking up @ this
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”