Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
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“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.