As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
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My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.