My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
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If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
“i am a sweet baby”
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.