I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
You Might Also Like
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.