A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
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If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
So sick of all these stupid rules
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
plant them where lol