My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
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My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.