Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
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gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge