Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
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Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I wish I were this cool 😂
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.