I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
You Might Also Like
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
We all have our pet causes.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
I wanna be friends with this person
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
we’re dead?
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”