Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
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Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.