*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
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Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times