My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
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The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
i spent way too long on this
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
im all 3
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches