When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
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I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”