“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
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“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
spicy snake
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I wish I could veto my bills.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”