I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
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Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.