It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
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Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin