My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
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yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.