Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
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Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Cha-ching is my safe word
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.