Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
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Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.