I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
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I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.