“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
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Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.