When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
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Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
When he asks for feet pics
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Liquor Store Parking