The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
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I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.