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Passwords are more important than ever.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates