Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
You Might Also Like
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…