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Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Effort made
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Worlds greatest photobomb
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail