My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
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When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.