Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
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Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.