If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
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My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
water it, i dare you
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”