⛄️
You Might Also Like
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
In banana years, I am bread.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.